At the end of 2018 my husband and I prayerfully resolved that 2019 would be the year of our ministry sabbatical. Numerous reasons led us to this decision. At the heart of it all was this desire to be more and do less. Somehow we got caught up in doing and try as we may, it was hard to make time to just be.
Along with the dawn of 2019 came this sense of ’empty’. They say women compartmentalize and if that is true I am grateful. I feel as if the compartments containing everything I need to be wife, mother and the worker I am employed to be are functional and healthy. I either have no access to any of my other compartments or the support structures holding them up have given way. I feel as if I have nothing of any substance to give. And if I tried, I would be giving what I do not have.
“You can’t give what you don’t have.”
As I have reflected on this, I have realized that in the attempt to make life and ministry work, I’ve chosen to just make them work. In doing so I have sacrificed the gift of taking the time to work through the deeper stirrings in my soul. I feel as if every time the waters of Bethsaida were stirred I missed it, because I was busy doing something else, being somewhere else.
I have no doubt that God was in this doing, blessing my life and ministry just as I have no doubt right now that He is calling me to just be.
This is a strange place to be for me. Each time I sit still I have this great need to cram my time with activity. But I hear God calling me to rest in Him. This is His time, to do His deep work in me.
As I rest in Him, I notice sore spots in my heart, ones that I have ignored, ones that are wanting to be seen, heard and tended to. My tears fall and I hear God saying “give them to me, let me make sense of it for you”.
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” – Matthew 11:28-30 (MSG)
So this is my year of ‘intentional’. This is the year when I give it all back to God, sit still and wait on Him so I can uncover His heart for me and my future. This is my year to practice being more – like Him, in Him, with Him. My prayer is that somehow the ‘being’ and the ‘doing’ will align and intertwine.